FIVE THINGS A TCK WANTS PARENTS AND OTHERS TO KNOW

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My name is Rachel, and I finally know the meaning of “home.” A third-culture kid (TCK) is a child who was raised in a culture outside of their parents’ passport country. Our parents and other adults in our lives play a vital role in supporting our unique upbringing and identity. TCKs spend a significant portion of our formative years outside our parents' home culture. We navigate a complex world that is unfamiliar to those around us. Here are five things I believe everyone should keep in mind when around TCKs.  

1. Take Time to Learn about the TCKs’ Experience

“When we leave, we take a bit of every culture we are part of with us.  ”

Being a TCK, we quickly learn to say goodbye, whether it’s us or others leaving. It is hard to explain where we are from or where our home is when we haven’t been to our passport country in a while.  I was fortunate not to relocate to multiple different countries while growing up. I was born in Canada, my father’s birthplace, but moved to Cambodia, my mother’s birthplace, when I was a year old and have lived here ever since. Yes, that was easy to explain, but when someone asks me, “where are you from?” I always go blank. My family returns to Canada every three years for the summer, and it’s always the same. We go to different churches, sometimes more than one, every Sunday. We visit supporters and friends during the week. Everyone always asks the same question or makes a similar comment: Are you glad to be home? Do you remember me? Did you miss your home country? Which country do you prefer? And the list goes on. Some of the most difficult questions TCKs have to answer are these. Although I know they ask with good intentions and genuinely want to know, it's hard to answer.  

I have a group of friends who all live in different countries, but we meet once a year, and during this time, we talk about our lives. One of our favourite topics is airports. Since we are all TCKs, we’ve travelled so much that we consider airports “one of our homes." We can laugh and joke around because we understand each other. It’s hard to relate to someone who doesn’t understand this life—to never have the ability to be fully something because we are exposed to so many cultures growing up. When we leave, we take a bit of every culture we are part of with us.  

2. Acknowledge Transition Difficulties 

“A benefit of being a TCK is that we adapt faster to change than most, but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel emotions when someone or something important leaves our lives.”

Transitions between countries and cultures can be particularly challenging; Moving to a new environment and adjusting to different cultural norms and expectations can be disorienting and stressful for TCKs. Parents need to support their children emotionally, acknowledge their feelings, and assist them in adjusting to these changes. Whether we’re homesick, confused, or have a sense of loss, it's important to acknowledge TCKs’ emotions. TCKs get to the point where saying goodbye becomes natural. It comes so naturally that we hesitate to get to know new people because we know someone will end up leaving. As we enter a country we’re not familiar with, we start to miss the little things—food, smell, culture, behaviours, etc. A benefit of being a TCK is that we adapt faster to change than most, but that doesn’t mean we don’t feel emotions when someone or something important leaves our lives. Some transition difficulties when relocating are learning new languages, adjusting to new social norms and customs, and navigating unfamiliar schools. TCKs have to re-adjust and repeatedly cope with the emotional impact of leaving places or people behind. I study at an international school, and my classmates come from all over. Every year, someone always leaves and someone new comes. Although everyone has experienced loss, I believe that TCKs are more affected by it because of how often we deal with it. It is important for parents and the other adults in our lives to acknowledge that transition is difficult, especially for someone who travels a lot. 

“One of my biggest ‘homes’ is my family, because I know I can go back to them.”

3. Maintain Traditions and Holidays 

It's important to maintain family traditions or have something that stays constant. To stay connected to their cultural heritage, my parents made sure we celebrated both Canadian and Cambodian traditions. We also created new traditions. I always look forward to traditions and holidays like Canadian Thanksgiving or Khmer New Year. I know that even if everything is changing, these traditions and holidays stay consistent. While adapting to new environments, TCKs often crave the familiarity of family traditions. Parents should try to preserve these meaningful traditions and holidays because they help with comfort and stability, staying in touch with both cultures, deepening connections to our family, and even feeling like these traditions are a safe space – a place to go back to.  

One of the biggest issues for TCKs is “Where is home?” When I was a kid, I always thought it was the place I live now or the place I was born. Both answers are correct; however, it never settled right for me. I feel as if I need to have a correct answer. But the truth is, it’s a broad question. Home can be the country or city where they were born, the place where their family currently lives, or even where they spent their childhood. To a TCK, home may not be a single, fixed location but rather a combination of places, people, and memories. One of my biggest “homes' is my family, because I know I can go back to them. My family is a constant thing, and I think it is important to maintain traditions so that TCKs know that they can always go back to their families. No matter how big the change.  

4. Don't Set Unrealistic Expectations 

“There is a constant need to meet the standards of every culture we are a part of.”

TCKs can feel under pressure to maintain a particular reputation or image. Parents setting expectations for their children can have a bad effect on their development growth and cause them to exhibit a false side of themselves. I think there are so many expectations that TCKs must uphold. There are so many assumptions and stereotypes surrounding TCKs. One of the expectations I think TCKs must deal with is having to act like someone they’re not. When I go back to Canada, I feel as if I must act Canadian or act like a “perfect missionary kid." I’m supposed to answer a bunch of questions and present myself in a certain way. When it comes to TCKs, I believe that people sometimes forget that for us, life is simply life—not the “TCK” life.  

If I’m being honest, there are some days when I feel like I’m living a double life. There are times when I feel I need to adopt different personas or aspects of my identity depending on the group of people or the cultural setting in which I find myself. Being selective or hiding parts of you to avoid misunderstandings or to feel like you belong. TCKs are expected to uphold a perfect image. There is a constant need to meet the standards of every culture we are a part of. We need to adapt and perform different roles quickly. It can feel inauthentic like we are not being fully ourselves. It can lead to uneasiness and a struggle with identity and belonging. Having to navigate these cultural and TCK expectations can be an ongoing challenge.  

5. Provide a Sense of Belonging. 

A TCK has benefits like travelling, meeting new people, learning new things, and trying new foods. However, there are negative aspects like not knowing where to call home, difficulty in forming deep relationships, feeling misunderstood, lack of closure, and my biggest one, not feeling like you belong anywhere. Not feeling like I belong is a huge one for me because I'm both Canadian and Cambodian. It’s challenging because, in Cambodia, I know that I’m not fully Cambodian. I don’t look, act, or speak as fluently as other Cambodians. In Canada, it's vice versa. TCKs have a relationship with every culture they can be part of, but we aren’t able to identify with different nationalities fully. It leads to a sense of loneliness and can lead to not knowing who they are. I know that you are never going to find someone who understands you 100%, but some people understand to a point. I think it’s important to know that TCKs struggle with this, so being there for them, even if they act a little differently, is important. Regardless of race, nationality, where we live, or our story, we are all the same in the identity of Christ. 

To Summarise

My friend reminded me that every TCK has a different and unique story and that no one can capture how every single TCK feels. I won’t be able to relate to every TCK, but I think it’s important to acknowledge all five of these points: TCKs’ experience, transition difficulties, traditions, unrealistic expectations, and sense of belonging. Because it is something that TCKs go through every day. I think parents and others should try to understand to make their lives and their children’s lives a whole lot easier. Remember for a TCK, it is just life, and we simply want to live it being the truest version of ourselves. We have different definitions of homes and different stories, but we are just kids who want to live life. 

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